Let's abolish the thing and have done with it

I was having a good day at work on Wednesday. Basically I accomplished a few quite difficult tasks quite quickly which impressed my line manager, who remarked, “Fair play, you’re having a good day.” To which I replied,

“Hey, it’s always a good day when I don’t have to teach children how you’re supposed to use an apostrophe.” It’s something of a standard response of mine – I also use it in this way whenever something isn’t going quite right – “Well, look on the bright side. I might still have been trying to teach 13 year olds how to use the apostrophe.” Yes, okay, there’s a little exaggeration there, but maybe not as much as you think.

Putting my retired English specialist hat on, I have no hesitation in saying that apostrophes are little sods. Much like some of the kids to whom I was trying to teach them. When I was at university and then when I was training we were confidently told – “Oh, the apostrophe will fall out of use and disappear within about 50 years.” That was back in 1986. It’s been 40 years and they’re still like stinking fish.

Before I retired I discussed this on a number of occasions with colleagues and we all tended to agree. One of the things you might not be aware of is that when you teach English, you start to catch bad spelling and apostrophitis off the children. I doubt that it’s an officially recognised condition but my take on it is that over the years you read so much badly written rubbish (look, I’m not being deliberately rude. The majority of what kids write is rubbish – your job is to make it less rubbishy over a period of time) that it becomes subconsciously learned behaviour. Without even realising you’re doing it you start automatically putting an apostrophe between the penultimate consonant and the s at the end of perfectly innocent words that don’t have an apostrophe. Or between the d and the n in a word like couldn’t. You have no excuse – you know the rules and the correct way to do it. But you have apostrophitis and from now on you’re going to have to check every one that you use is in the right place.

I used to find that , by and large, you could carry some of the kids with you with the idea that the apostrophe is where the missing letters would have been. But once you start talking about possessives, then you can forget it. – Yes, I do know that the possessive apostrophe is actually still an omission mark – in archaic English we would have said David his blog – thus in modern English David’s blog the possessive apostrophe denotes missing letters as well. Well, good luck explaining that to kids and not making them more confused than they were to begin with.

The stupidest thing about it is that when you get right down to it, we dont really need apostrophes to make sense of a sentences meaning because its all in the context. In the vast majority of cases the meaning even without an apostrophe is still clear. Case in point- I deliberately left out three of them in the first sentence of this paragraph. But you still understood it perfectly.

Don’t get me started on colons and semi colons.