Ivory, Apes and Peacocks? Unlikely.

What, still burbling on about Mastermind, Dave? Yeah, ‘fraid so. I can’t help it and be fair, the Grand Final is tomorrow evening.

Now, contrary to popular belief, when I meet someone for the first time I don’t say “Hi, I’m Dave Clark and I won Mastermind in 2008.” Or something similar. But it happens sometimes that I might be with someone who points it out, or after I’ve known them for some time then it might come up in conversation. The person will almost invariably ask two questions. The first is always “What was your specialist subject?” Not subjects, you note. I always tell them my final subject. Then the next question is usually “What did you win?” I’ve built up a little monologue over the years, building up from if you’re beaten in the first round you get nothing, if you’re beaten in the semi final you get nothing, if you come sixth in the final you get nothing – and so on right up to, but if you win, not only do you become the Mastermind of the United Kingdom, you also get (imaginary drumroll followed by dramatic pause) – a glass bowl!

Of course, you get intangible things as well. So while you might not get ivory, apes and peacocks – well, there’s no might not about it – you probably do get a huge sense of satisfaction. In my case, relief as well. I knew I was a good quizzer by 2007, but I didn’t have a great deal to prove it. Three previous TV appearances had not gone well. The really great thing about winning Mastermind is that the show is still to some extent in the public consciousness. If you win Mastermind, then you don’t have to explain to people what it is all about. This sounds pathetic, but I had a burning desire in 2007 to do really well in the show, by which I mean to reach the Grand Final. When I won, though, it had a marvellously cleansing effect. Yes, I am still competitive. I still want to win every quiz I enter. But I haven’t had that unhealthy, burning need ever since. Yes, I entered both Brain of Britain and Only Connect, but I still thoroughly enjoyed the experiences despite being comfortably beaten in both finals. My MENSA membership has lapsed now, and so it’s unlikely that I’ll play in Brain of Mensa again, but I still enjoyed all the times I played in the competition, even though I only won it twice.

There are things which didn’t happen. I never expected to get any kind of media career out of it, and I didn’t. I never expected to get recognised in the street, and with 2 exceptions, I didn’t. I did expect to get some kind of recognition from my school and from my local education authority . . . but I didn’t. Mark “The Beast” Labbett, whom I’ve known for a long time, greeted me after the final was shown and said that he bet my local authority were over the moon and making a big fuss of me. He’d had a letter of commendation from South Gloucestershire just for appearing on Discovery Mastermind. Nope. Not even a congratulatory email from Neath and Port Talbot. Just as disappointing was that I didn’t receive any acknowledgement from my own school’s governing body. This was after 20 years’ good service, and a slew of positive publicity for the school in the local media following the win. I was invited to a reception in the Mayor’s Parlour, but the Mayor informed me that this was his own initiative and had nothing to do with the school or the authority. The Chairman of Governors turned up, and I’m glad I had the good grace not to mention the lack of acknowledgement from the Governing body he headed. Unfortunately, I’m gifted with the kind of memory that can’t forget these things. Thankfully this only cast the smallest of shadows over what was pretty much a king for a day kind of experience.

For there were things I never expected that did happen too. For example, being invited back to my old school in Ealing to make a speech and present some prizes. Getting invited to take part in the Get Connected charity quiz auction on a number of occasions. Being as my final subject was the History of London Bridge I was also invited to participate in the banquet for the 900^th anniversary of Old London Bridge held in Fishmongers Hall in the presence of the Lord Mayor of London. For a Londiniophile (or whatever the term for a lover of London is) like me, this was the most fantastic experience. I’m sure tomorrow night’s winner will have opportunities they never expected too.

The Great Fred Housego (Fred, if you ever read this, my offer to take you out for a pint which I first made years ago still stands) once offered this advice to all future winners – ride the bus for all it’s worth because it doesn’t stop twice. Amen. I can’t really add a great deal to that other than, for tomorrow night’s champion, winning Mastermind is unlikely to change your life, but for a while at least it can certainly enhance it.

Pob lwc.