In Defence of People Pleasers

Even as late as the 1990s they were still teaching student teachers some pretty stupid things in university. We had a mature newly qualified teacher once, a very intelligent, very empathetic and sensible person, who once asked for my help one lunchtime. “I don’t understand it, Dave,” she told me – Mr. Clark when children were present, Dave at all other times. Helmet off Korky, helmet on Constable Turnbull. “I don’t understand it.” she repeated, “Every time anyone misbehaves in class I punish the whole class. They all hate me now.” To which I replied by asking her if everyone was misbehaving every time. Of course, they weren’t. “Well in that case Karen (name changed to protect the guilty), if I was in your class, and you kept punishing me for something I hadn’t done, then I would hate you too.” We discussed using a different approach from the one she had been told by people who should have known better in the university, and Karen went on to become the fantastic teacher that she was destined to be.

What I distinctly remember is that Karen’s primary concern had been that the kids seemed to hate her and the fact that the bad behaviour was continuing was only of secondary concern. And what brought this to mind was being asked last week why I don’t go to Sunday quizzes any more. You know that I’ve retired from teaching and am now working in admin in the NHS. My colleagues in the team I work for are still fascinated by the world of quizzing I have been talking about with them in odd moments. They’ll grow out of it, it’s only a matter of time. I’d mentioned that I had gone out to a quiz with an old mate on the two bank holiday Sundays recently. I also made the point that these were very rare occurrences and I don’t regularly go out to Sunday quizzes any more. Well, the fact is, with my mental health the way it was back 8 or 9 years ago, I couldn’t take the hostility.

I’m sure you know how it works. You go to the quiz the first time. If anyone does pass comment its all about how nice it is to see new people, and they’re generally pretty decent if you win. If you’re sensible you don’t go back and do the same the next week. But over a period of time, you get into the habit of going every other week, or one week in three and the chances are that you don’t win every time, but you win on the majority of occasions. The welcome becomes icier each time. The rules might be changed. In the last Sunday quiz I regularly attended, we turned up one week and we dropped four points all evening. We came last that night. All the other teams outscored us. Kosher? I have no evidence other than circumstantial that it wasn’t, but the glee with which our collective nose was rubbed in the dirt did make me suspicious.

Time was, two decades ago, that this sort of thing would have just made me more determined to go back the next week and keep beating everyone as many times as possible by as many points as possible. I can see now that when applied to pub quizzes, to social quizzes, this is really not the most mature or sensible attitude to have. Yes, Dave, if you acted towards me like that, then I’d hate you too. Of course, to use the word ‘hate’ in this case is probably a bit strong. ‘Think you’re an annoying, smug, knowall’ is probably more accurate, although nothing like as succinct.

One of my new colleagues in the first team I worked with here put her finger on it. Oooooh, Matron. “Your problem, “ she announced to the world in general, “is that you’re a people pleaser.” Far from being offended I took it as a huge compliment. Because she’s right, I don’t actually get off on offending people. I hate conflict and if I can make someone else happy by going just a tiny bit out of my way, then that’s great.

Well, whatever the case, I’ve resisted any temptation to go to a Sunday quiz to anything like a regular basis since and I’m probably a lot happier for it.

Although I did enjoy those two bank holiday Sunday quizzes . . .